Hello everyone, it’s been a while since you’ve seen my mug around here huh?
To start, I completely to forgot to schedule another post last week as I’ve been packing up the house – yep, I’m on the move again, but finally I’ve got a place in Brighton which means less commute time, I’m right by the sea, and there is a lot of vegan food on my doorstep that I am ready to get in my belly!
I was also looking at my blog and realised that for the last few months, I’ve barely talked about myself or even shown myself on here since December – although tbh I’m in fashion hibernation until at least Spring, because I’m currently living in the same two jumpers and jeans and this girl doesn’t do well in the cold #thermalsforever.
So I wanted to talk about me a bit more, because whilst beauty and cruelty-free makeup and books are my passions and interests, I feel I’m closing ‘Me’ off a lot, and I notice myself holding back when I should be a little bit more chill with sharing. (Also a select number of photos when I was warmer/looked more fashun rather than sweats and buns)
Talking about myself feels really weird – a few years ago I prided myself on being an Introverted Internet Fiend, it being almost cool to be online all the time and not doing much else. I was talking and tweeting with others, Instagramming bowls of porridge (sometimes even getting 3 grams in a day, what a time to be alive), and if I look back now a lot of what I was doing was covering up those real-life feelings of loneliness and feeling lost in who I was.
It was when an old family friend saw me for the first time since I was about 6 that I realised how inwards I’d become; she said she remembered me running around chatting to everyone, spending time colouring and singing, and I know I was 6 but it was her saying ‘you were such a confident extroverted child’ that I wondered what had happened.
There are things I know now I can identify as factors in making me become a bit more introverted, which is by no means a bad thing, it’s more the fear of actually saying what I feel and thinking is wrong/irrelevant/not important.
Even now I don’t feel I can do a big deep post on everything about me; I don’t feel confident sharing my stories but I do feel it’s important to share empathy on topics I feel strongly about or related too.
For example, over the last week I’ve felt sadness over the Floridian school shooting as people who died were my sister’s age, and that terrifies me to my core, what could happen to her. I’ve observed my behaviour with friends past and present and tried to acknowledge my faults in those relationships and learn to be better from them. I’ve tried to be ‘on it’ with internet dating and also be semi-chill when people don’t reply straight away, but mostly feel okay sharing what I feel is easy to say in the blog world with ‘irl people’. I’ve consumed more news and politics in the last year than I have in my whole life and although I feel more informed, I still don’t know how to express and channel my frustrations into something worthwhile.
Something I didn’t feel I could share also was the fact that over Christmas I had two big anxiety attacks. One on Christmas Day and another two days later. I thought the stress and pain would never go away and I’d never feel normal again. I was scared the stress would kill me as I had a pain in my chest for days. I don’t quite know why it happened, I do get stressed over things out of my control but this was a magnitude unlike before. I’ll admit that things like going to London, concerts, anywhere with public transport and large open areas with crowds, generally makes me panic due to events that have happened in the world over the last year or so.
Sharing that kind of stuff scares me, being vulnerable and not listened to scares me more than actually talking about it, so I don’t. I don’t share my feelings or views in fear of everyone else judging what I say as babble.
There also feels like this thing where if you don’t craft the perfect tweet (be it hilarious, witty, a pun, relatable, political, or even just something average but you’re cool and everyone just RT’s anyway) then what’s the point in ‘talking’? It’s mad but if no one engages, why even say it? It’s like layers upon layers of standards that have prevented me from even tweeting ‘I had mash and peas three nights in a row and I ain’t even sorry’ – because I’m not man, that shiz is good. I’m not one of those people who doesn’t tweet because they’re too busy living life, I’m sat there thinking, ‘what can do I actually have valuable to say?’
When people say, read your tweet back and see if you’d like it or if it fits with your brand, 10/10 I delete my tweets and stay silent. I’d rather that than be shouting emptiness into a huge crowd of people also shouting.
Whilst I may not be fully there yet with talking about myself, I do want to finish off with a few tid-bits that help get a few things off my chest and makes me feel more at ease chatting shit when I feel like it:
• I prefer babies to animals, and whilst I’m getting better with dogs, I do love babies. My family makes fun of me for being vegan but also disinterested in animals, I just prefer cuddling mini humans okay?!
• I’m nerdy, I like nerdy things, I will talk about things nerdy.
• For example I can name all the actors who’ve played The Doctor, the directors who shot episodes during David Tennant’s era, and I will critique hard on the recent updates on Cybermen because that design change post-2006 was awful #sorrynotsorry
• I have a slightly addictive/obsessive personality in that I will binge-watch and become obsessed with a show/movie/person and learn all about them and be able to read off facts in general conversation that no-one cares about (case in point, directors of Doctor Who episodes and becoming a huge Drag Race fanatic after 2 seasons and watch it over and over)
• Since I was 16 I’ve had issues with my body and weight, but I’m a much better place with it now. I know now that it’s about being stronger and healthier, not thinner and unhappier. The same with my acne, it’s gotten better, and even though areas like my back still make me super self-conscious, I know I can equally own it and also have the means to treat it, both with love and products.
• I fucking love peas. I have a cup of peas every day. Great protein and they’re a fun vegetable right?
• I have waves of bad self-doubt and comparison in my work, and when I know I could do a job better or the circumstances haven’t been right and doing my best to change post-edit isn’t enough, I will beat myself up a lot.
• Every time people comment on my work my heart does a little leap and it makes me so proud and happy and thank you.
• My job is the best ever, and I would happily follow people all day snapping candids and outfits and spend hours editing photos. I love it, it makes me happy every day, and I want to keep doing more and new things with my work.
• I know I could do more with being vocal on things – the lack of attention and rehousing of victims at Grenfell, and the sentencing of those responsible; the fact Brexit is a bloody thing; that the lack of diversity and representation is still shocking and that even the small steps that have been taken need to go further; why the #MeToo movement is important and why we need to stop the silence and own our power; heck, even being vocal in my own day-to-day personal issues such as being confident in my opinion would be good.
That feels like a big sigh that takes a weight off my chest and allows me to feel easier about talking. Might take a while for me to get back into ordinary tweeting and such, but I hope I can find my confidence in my voice again and share more of me without feeling quiet or shy about talking with others.
Thanks again for reading, and see you by the seaside!