Because who can say it better than Keri Hilson and Kanye?
I’ve just finished this spookily on-point horoscope reading that I feel explains life in words better than I can right now:
“There’s been a private, little ‘pity party’ happening at Aries Towers, and it’s time to close the bar and shoo everyone home. Whatever has knocked you is over now, so let it go. Know that it has actually only added to your already enviable fortitude and resilience. You’re a tough cookie, and you’re getting to be a wise one too. Make a conscious choice to pick yourself up, decide what you’re going to leave behind and move forward with intent, towards something that stirs you. This party is done. So is the hangover. New day- new game.” – via Cosmopolitan. I’m an Aries btw.
For the last month, I’ve felt sad. Sad in my heart every day. At best, there are moments of happiness and distraction that make me forget it, and at worst, there have been small sobs sending me to sleep because I just had so many mixed, low emotions I didn’t understand.
It also took me a month to even admit my real sadness to anyone (I basically started crying into my porridge and my mum stepped in, to which the rest is history), because I usually find it’s a mental block of creativity and inspiration, hence all the recent posts on planning, organisation, meeting goals, feeling stuck and so forth. But it felt different this time, and I didn’t like it.
I was angry and sad and blameful, and I was meek and worried and scared. All the worst parts about me flared up – bottling one thing on-top of another deep inside until a bigger trigger came along to unleash it, realising and rationalising things about myself that I hadn’t been able to process before, battling comparison with reasoning ten fold to usual.
One thing that came up was a lack of purpose.
I’ve had a lot of examples in life where I’ve quit because of one reason or another, and the only real purpose I did have way back when was finishing school with good grades. Well I did that, and then what? I quit keyboard, trampolining, guitar, piano, cheerleading (I know), opera, YouTube in 2009 because I was embarrassed, and then there’s all the things I never started because I knew I’d give up…
There I guess lies the lack of purpose, because I have potential and opportunities to do things, but don’t put myself into them. I get scared tweeting people in case it upsets or annoys them, reaching out again because they’re not interested (or because I’ll change the date at least three times before committing to an actual date to sit down, sorry), and I have all these ideas in my head I want to work on, but seemingly stop them flourishing.
I’ve said for 6 months now I want to do workshops on blog photography, so why can’t I start? If I want to work with more people, grow my business, and basically live from it, why am I resisting this? If I want to make friends or even blogger connections, why can’t I get over a bloody tweet?
The other day I was helping Zoe with some photography work, and even though it wasn’t my place at all (in fact it was my place, it was my house, just, yeah) I felt confident and thrilled even to be styling products and working out angles and lighting to make a lovely photo. It was in the time after that I felt the knowing I was good at what I was doing and that I could do a workshop if I put my mind to it. By coincidence, I’m scheduled to do a 20 minute masterclass at #BlogConLDN in a few weeks where I’m roadtesting my teaching and photographic skills to help others get onto manual and snap beautiful photos, and with fingers crossed it going well, I’ll feel a lot more sure in myself and my worries that I can do this.
This is only a small part of the feelings however – I don’t reach out to people and share my deepest worries, because after years of training myself to hold it together and appear ‘neutral’, I don’t find it appropriate almost. And I’ve tried it recently, telling people things, and even if I say them factually when realistically I should be emotional, I’m making it okay to get up off the floor and sit in conversation with someone about life.
|Jumper + Flatforms – & other stories (sold out in sale) | Mom Jeans – BDG via Urban Outfitters|
5 things that give me purpose right now:
1. My job – despite a cold season that kept most people indoors, I do have a regular, well-paid-in-comparison-to-previous-jobs-job that allows me to do what I love. It may be a small part of my overall dream, but I love it all the same.
2. Having new clients contact me weekly – it amazes me each time that people see a quality n my work that they want me to capture for them. I won’t ever get over it, unless I make it to the cover of a magazine.
3. Great friends and family – even though it’s upsetting to see someone close feel sad and low, the people I’ve confided in have been wonderful support. The more you can talk, the easier and closer you are.
4. Exciting upcoming things – from my masterclass to some other ‘this is happening’ moments, I forgot in those low moments what I’m being allowed to do!
5. My birthday – it’s just under 4 weeks until I’m 23, and even though I want the easiest, quietest birthday that a week ago I didn’t want to think about, I do like the excitement that comes with a birthday. Just remind me to relax and remember movie and some cake is enough, I’m not 5 arranging a party at Charlie Chalks anymore. Sobs.
Weirdly with one day off and a few jokey exchanges about my feelings, and a trip to IKEA yesterday which led me to buy a LOT of pink (who tf am I?), I feel happier; I woke up happier and felt easy. Granted, some worry has started to creep back in -WHAT IS YOUR NEXT FLATLAY GOING TO BE? WHY CAN’T YOU JUST GO INTO LONDON EVERY DAY TO SEE PEOPLE? WHY ARE YOU MAKING IT SO HARD? – but even if I have to say I feel poop factually, at least I’m making it clear how I can stop getting dragged down, and get back up again easily, just like Keri Hilson said so wisely.
Photos by the wonderful Zoe
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