This post has been sat in my drafts and the back of my mind for the last year now (in fact this is the second, possibly third draft of this post); moving on has been a constant in my life since 2012 and now I finally feel this is the start of a conclusion to a chapter of my life I’ve been trying to break away from for as long as I can remember.
For the last few years I’ve been working away on the person I want to be, the career I’m still undecided on, all whilst supporting those around me when most needed, and it’s led to a point where I need to move on to move up. It’s been a long time coming, I’ve had so many near-successful moments but finally this is it. Today, that life starts now.
With all the happiness, sadness, fear, elation and god damn relief in my heart, I can finally say that I’m moving. I’ve left. It’s done, as you read this I am unpacking boxes, deciding where lamps should go and what angle to have the sofa; as you read this, months of stress, anxiety, worry and pure prayer to anyone have led to this exact moment where I finally feel free of the life behind me. Would I change it? Probably, but then I wouldn’t be able to sit in this moment feeling so overwhelmed with emotion.
The situation scares me, what if I’ve moved for nothing? What if I still hide myself away because I’m even further away from friends or they just don’t want to see me because I’m just the keenest of beans who wants to have everyone over for dinner in my new kitchen. What if I don’t get work? What if I’m not invited to events? What if, what if what if – the second lot of words I’m scared to say. What if I’m not good enough, what if I’m kidding myself, what if in a years time I’m curled up crying my eyes out again because life didn’t go to plan?
But what if it’s all as amazing as I’d planned? What if I love my home and it becomes my haven? What if I invest in all the things I’ve been wanting and start doing photography again? What if I start a business where I take photos for people and teach them how to use their cameras? What if I get to work with amazing people and brands? What if my channel hits 1000 subscribers? What if my blog hits 10,000 followers? What if I see my friends 5 times a week because people actually want to hang out with me? What if I get a real Christmas tree? What if I actually meet someone who cares about me for the first time in 5 years? What if this is the stepping stone to something better? What if it was all fine and this leap, this very big leap, was worth everything, and that everything will be okay?
Looking at my empty room, I can feel the space telling me it’s time to go, you can leave now. You’re okay, you’re allowed to be happy and you’re going to do just fine. I’ve compromised, I’ve lived in conditions that have led to sleep deprivation, anxiety, general displeasure and have made me become a hyper-sensitive, moany granny who is just done with having to experience others discomfort and ignorance, but now I can live without worry and be able to enjoy myself more and experience even more.
As of this week, I am a Londoner (well, I live just outside of London now but at least it’s under an hour and not 3 GOD DAMN HOURS DO YOU SEE WHY I DON’T GO TO ALL THE EVENTS) and I’m so excited to start again somewhere new. Even though it’s not the university experience, I’m pretty capable of going alone and starting afresh, plus with lots of people I know only a train ride away I feel like my social life is about to go from -90 to 100 in a matter of weeks (plus I get to have an AGA, that just makes everything about my life better. Oh and fibre optic broadband – I might cry, I’m so happy to have fibre optic.)
Moving on, it’s a big thing; I’ve spent a lot of my life moving on from one thing or another, dealing with stuff that sometimes at an age you’re not meant to, but everything happens, everything works out, and yeah, I’m hopefully going to start feeling happy again. I’m excited to have a new home, to make it the space I’ve always wanted; I’m excited to start a new venture that hopefully pays off, I’m excited to be happy, to see my friends more often, and I’m excited that I can finally say I’ve done it.
Welcome to your new lease of life Lauren, let’s see what you’ve got. (P.S. if you live in London or near Surrey please let me know because HI LET’S HANG OUT)
Lots of Love,
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