I wrote this following post on holiday, when I was having a very internal freak out about what I was doing with my life. I felt trapped yet lost, creative but uninspired, and so lonely I couldn't share my voice. This was left stranded in my notes app for weeks, and was what I originally wanted to write in my Reflections post but forgot, along with all my other notes. Whilst I'm not completely in this mindset anymore, it still lingers after a strange week.
'Leaving your routine is a strange thing. You feel so scared and apprehensive to let go of what you know, what you do, how to be that sometimes you never leave your norm, but once you arrive in your new destination and see the ocean (or trees or pool or strip of lights and noise of a new city) somethings switches in you.
I expected myself to still have blogger mode on whilst abroad, but to be honest it confirmed some feelings I'd had recently - is it really worth my time doing this? I often sit furiously typing away at my desk, planning and plotting my content, hoping everyone likes it as much as I do, but in the last few weeks it's felt different, niggling almost in my brain; does anyone really care? Do I really care? Am I pleasing myself doing this, or am I just trying to break my way through barriers and boundaries to join my friends in more sought out places?
I've never known what I wanted to be in life, I've always followed the path of 'do well in school, focus on grades and then you'll see' and what I did see was I was unprepared and unaware of what my desire in life was to be. I've always had likes, passions and things I'd enjoy doing, but come to it now I still can't pin-point a 'yes, that's it'. And blogging was an amalgamation of all the things I enjoyed, but now it feels like a general rather than specific thing I should be doing. As I've seen my friends succeed (which pleases me, I'm so proud of them) I've also learnt of the less wonderful sides of blogging and YouTube, and whist it's given apprehension it's made me want to treat everyone equally yet I still don't feel it's the same as a whole.
Am I a good content creator? Do I have interesting and informative things to say? Is my personality a reflection of something people want to invest in? And more importantly, so I even see a future end goal to all of this?
All of these thoughts, are amplified of course, because I have allowed myself to relax. I have allowed myself to cut all the ties of norm and do things I enjoy but never allow myself to do - I have read a book every day, I have gone abroad and sat by the ocean, I have put my phone down (somewhat) and enjoyed the warmth on my bones and the imagination of stories and self-help guides to make my feel whole and content again.
By coming here, I've allowed myself to question all possibilities and accept them as potential outcomes, and all I seem happy with. By leaving my norm I have allowed myself to see things clearer, as clear as the ocean in front of me now. And in this moment, I couldn't be happier with my norm.'
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